Hott mess

It's been a rough couple of days in the Elliott house. Although not really for anyone but me. I have been an emotional mess. I hate feeling so out of control, and in this situation with Cameron's heart I have zero control. I can't control that his stenosis has increased. I can't control that the only option is Open Heart Surgery, and I can't control that because I am his mother, I can't just run away and hide from this issue. I have zero control, and that feeling is suffocating. I am pretty certain this is depression. I'm pretty sure that I have sunk down and that the pain that aches my soul is something I can't just snap out of. I am not sure why this is hitting me so hard. I'm not sure why I can't just get it the fuck together and stop moping around. I'm not sure why I feel like this is so much different from the ten other surgeries he has had. But no matter what the reason is for me to be like this, right now it's my reality. I'm a sad, pathetic, hot mess.

Along time ago I decided that I would not let my title of  "special needs mom" define me. In fact the words "special needs" sends chills up my spine because I don't define Cam as special needs, he is just Cam. But he is special... his needs are special. He is a product of unique molding that our heavenly father decided to design in him, and "special" is just a way to describe that. So therefore I am a mother of a child with special needs. And even though that isn't all that I am, when things like this in our life arise it certainly creates a constant reminder to me that in reality that is exactly what I am. I am so grateful however that through all of this I have been able to use our families journey as a bridge to help other families and other people going through struggle with insight and hope! I am still hopeful. I am still grateful. But right now I am also so very, very sad. I am so fearful, and anxious, and angry, that the desire of my heart to rise above this, is umbrella'd by these overwhelming feelings of hurt and anguish. I am not sure if I just need a good slap in the face, and for someone to tell me to put my big girl panties on, or if this is just the way I need to mourn right now. I am certain that this phase will pass. I know that crying all day is not an option. I know that feeling sorry for myself, and drowning myself in self pity and wine isn't an option either(although the wine does have a way of stopping the tears!!) Side note: I am not an alcoholic...... for those of you that are going to start sending me texts about the closest AA meeting :)

I am not in control. God is in control. God is going to be with me and is with me for this entire process. I know this, but I am having trouble feeling him. I am having trouble praying. I am having trouble believing sometimes. This week I had lunch with a friend, and we were talking about how people sometimes mention that God is a crutch to those that are facing difficult times, so that they have something bigger to believe in. I call bullshit. God is hard work! My faith is hard work! I have to strive to continue to believe in this Creator of All things who is all knowing and all loving. I have to gather all that is in me to continue to turn my eyes to my heavenly father when my heart aches and the things of this world are causing me such deep sorrow and pain. My faith is by no means a "crutch," because my FAITH is really hard work. And sometimes when bad things continue to happen I think about how easy it would be to lose my faith. How easy it would be to not find joy even in darkness. To not reach out to the ONE  that has seemingly forsaken me, that is supposed to love me to no depths, would be the easy way out. But it's because of my faith, it's because of God's love for me, and it's because of my awe struck wonder in the Holy Spirit, that even when broken and bruised I continue to have hope in the one that created me from the womb. The one that created and crafted Cameron and Max, and the one that will fill me with Peace when I allow my heart to accept his word. It's me that's the problem, not my Jesus. My Jesus is with me, even when I am not with him. And for those reasons, I still have Faith.

I know what Cameron's heart surgery entails. I know what the expected outcome is, and I know what the doctors are anticipating. But that doesn't stop me from reaching out to others that have had children Cam's age that have gone through Open Heart Surgery. I search the internet for blogs, and patient stories about their experiences, and when I read ones that are happy and wonderful, I smile. But then I read those few that didn't end as well. Or the ones where the child has a stroke during surgery(one of the risk of a bypass machine). Or I read about the ones where the heart was nipped in a wrong place during surgery and the child has severe complications and a very difficult time healing. I should 100% stop reading blogs. I know this, but my heart seeks those good stories. The ones that portray the one my heart so deeply desires. There are just so many variables and trying to convince my heart that my mind needs to move on is proving to be rather difficult.

On a side note, I have felt so blessed and humbled by the amount of support received with the t-shirt sales. We have sold 18 already, and we aren't even a week in. I know this is just another testament to God's grace, and that he is paving the way. I have also been asked by several folks if there would just be a way to donate to Cameron's medical fund aside from the t-shirts and because we didn't meet our goal with Cameron's GoFund me page, we are still able to have that up as well, so I will also be posting that as a way for those that choose to contribute in a different way. Honestly, my pride was set aside long ago, when I realized that doing this alone would be impossible. Getting Cameron the best care that he deserves would be impossible, and so for him, for my sweet precious boy I will do whatever needs to be done to provide this care for him. It's funny because a good friend mentioned to me the other day that I'm the only person in my own way. She was encouraging me to put Cameron's GoFund me site up and I was really struggling with doing that, because I honestly just feel like it looked like a charity case. The t-shirts made it more tangible. If you donate money you get something out of it. That was my thought process. With the GoFund me, it's just a donation. The person donating just has to trust that the money they donate goes to good use. But my friends point to me was that if people want to give, if they truly want to give, then they will, and they will give with no strings attached. And if they don't, then there is no one sitting their forcing their hand. So after that brief lecture, I realized that she was right, and that this is just another way to help us raise money to make this trip a little less financially stressful. If people want to give they will and if they don't, then no one is worse for the wear! Again, I seem to be the only person in my way.

Please continue to pray for us. Cameron has developed a cold, and he needs to be well rather soon so that this surgery can continue as planned. We all want him in his healthiest condition, and a snotty nose is not an option. Please continue to pray for peace, and grace and that Paul and I will start to feel more comfort moving forward. I love all of you so very much, and I am so very grateful for the calls, texts, and words of encouragement. We are so blessed that our t-shirt's are being sold and that we are going to have an incredible team of supporters rooting for Cam on his big day. So thank you. Also thank you for reading...... This blog has become an outlet for me during this time, and writing has been a vice that keeps me sane.... so thank you!

Love,
P, J, C, and M :)