And its Christmas in Boston!

We knew this would be very probable, and now its very real. Surgery has been rescheduled and we will officially be in Boston for Christmas. Pre-op for his heart Cath will be Wednesday December 24th, and then his cath will be the following Monday, December 29th. He will recover the 30th, and then the 31st will have his surgery. We are knocking out 2014 with a bang! It's funny, because while talking with the scheduler she was so hesitant with the dates. It was almost like in telling me the dates she was also saying "I'm so sorry" at the same time. She and I have talked multiple times before, she is wonderful and funny! Her northern accent cracks me up when she says certain words, and she says that my southern accent makes her want to visit Tennessee! When I remind her I live in NC, she always says "oh I didn't realize people had such accents from there!" Honestly, I have no idea what she is talking about. I know that on occasion I may sound a bit "country" but I in no way have a "typical" southern accent. I really have no accent at all. I'm boring! But it's fun conversation non the less! This time though, she seemed so bummed that we would be spending the holiday away from family and friends, and I am too, but it's ok!

I've had a lot of time since learning about Cam needing this surgery, that I've been able to really come to terms with my life.... his life. You see it doesn't belong to me. Cameron belongs to Jesus. I just get to love him and help him grow, and learn, and I get the sheer joy of being his mother. I'm jealous really. I want to be in control, I want to call all the shots. I want to say when things need to happen. I need that control. But it's not mine to have. It's the Lords! He is ultimate power, and he is the one calling the shots. It can be frustrating. I can't see this entity face to face to tell him how incredibly selfish I think he is for putting my sweet boy through this. I can't physically touch him, in order to inflict pain(which I know would make me feel better, even if just for a brief moment), and I can't audibly have a conversation where I hear him like you would hear a friend. Those things make Faith so hard sometimes. But isn't that the exact point of  FAITH? Knowing 100% that something is there without being able to hear, see or feel it? I guess that's why my faith struggles. I guess that's why I fail time and time again. I guess that's why it's easier to loose your faith. But even in all of that struggle there is beauty. I have HOPE for the future. I have the promise of God that he will not abandon us, even if we falter. He promises to prosper my sweet Cam, and not to harm him. He promises that if I trust and lean on him that he will in return be gracious and good. You see he loves Cameron more than I could ever imagine loving someone. I wouldn't know how that would look, because honestly my love for my children runs so deep that it's impossible imagining someone else loving them more, but he does. I know this! My head knows this! My heart lags behind sometimes.

Christmas is not where you are or what you are able to do, or who you are with. Christmas is a celebration of the one who created life. Christmas is the birthday of all birthdays, and the reason we should love and care for one another. But I would be lying if I said that part of the excitement of Christmas wasn't spending time with loved ones. If I said it wasn't at all about presents, and food, and celebration. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad that we will be missing those things this year. It's hard being away for the holidays, it makes the celebrations up until that time hard as well. We won't be able to go to holiday parties with our kids, because we have to stay well! We won't be able to expose the boys to the mall Santa because if there is one place to catch a cold it would be on that jolly old mans lap! I am sad for those things. But at the same time I'm grateful. It's a bag of mixed emotions in my head constantly. I'm so grateful that Cam's surgery was able to be rescheduled in a timely manner, and that the folks involved in his care are so kind and compassionate. I'm grateful that Christmas won't actually be in the hospital. Sure we will be in a place other than home, but we will be together, and we will be safe, and warm, and we will have food to eat and a place to eat it. We are blessed.

I have to say my feelings out loud over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that God is good and loving and pure. I have to constantly remind myself that this is just a place in time, and that life will be ok. I have to talk myself down from crying over these things I can't control, sometimes daily. I am always reminding myself of our blessings and the wonderful love we have been shown through this. I have seen God show up in so many ways and I am truly, truly thankful for that. But it doesn't come without bad days. Days where I doubt it all. Days where I feel like I've been abandoned and that no one could possible know how I feel. Days that I don't care anymore. It's a process. One that I'm not sure will ever truly end. You see this won't be the last surgery for Cam. It won't be the last trial. It won't even be the last hurdle I face that isn't even related to Cameron and this journey. I have found its so easy to be thankful to God during the good times, and sometimes so hard during the rough ones!

Friends and Family.... you have been wonderful. The love continues to surround us, and we are so thankful. Right now if you could specifically pray for us about housing during our trip to Boston that would be wonderful. As of right now they have no room at the Yawkey House(similar to RMH, but it has a fee) and the cheapest hotel is around $250 a night. I am still trying to explore options, but seeing as how most of our need will be Christmas and the weekend after, it's pretty limited as far as housing goes! Thank you again for all your love and support. We wouldn't be able to do this without you!

Love,
P, J, C, and M