Anxiety is the pitts!!

Well folks its getting close. In four days we will pack up, and head north! The trip is about 12 hours if we drove non-stop, so realistically its about 24 hours...hahah! Our plan is to leave Monday late morning and drive about 7-8 hours then stop and get a hotel. The next day we will finish the rest of our drive, and hope to be in Boston around 4. Paul has promised me that we can drive through NYC.... its really sad when you get excited about just "driving" through somewhere! Haha. I have never been to New York City. I've always wanted to. Just never got around to it, I guess. One day! But driving through it will tide me over until I can get there for real one day :)

The 24th, Christmas Eve, is when we have all of Cameron's Pre-Op appointments. We have to be at the hospital by 6:30 and then the slew of tests that will upset Cameron to his core will begin. He is scheduled for blood work, x-ray, EKG, and Echo. During this time we will also meet with a multitude of people from the residents and nurses, to the anesthesia people and the cardiologist. We will see Cam's heart surgeon, where he will go over what he is about to do to my sweet, sweet, baby, and where I will loose it! It's a tough day. But at the end of it, we will leave and go back to the place we are staying(and thanks to an incredible friend, it will be a lovely home with a place for the boys to play and for us to rest a bit) and we will spend Christmas and the weekend after loving and enjoying our precious boys.

The plan then proceeds to the 29th. This is also my wedding anniversary. 7 years. I'm still in love. I'm still grateful, and during times like this I need my husband more than ever. You see he is the practice one. The one that stays calm in the midst of a storm. The one that assures me that I'm overreacting. The one that stays strong and doesn't loose it, when I have lost it over and over! 7 years down and one Cardiac Cath will happen on the 29th. This Cath procedure is to hopefully ablate the area in Cameron's heart that causes him to go into the SVT rhythm. If the SVT is in a safe area, and can be easily dealt with, then they will ablate it. If it isn't, then they have said they will just leave it alone and manage his SVT post operatively. Then later on down the road if he still has issues they will reassess then. They have assured me that they deal with SVT all the time after open heart surgery, and that even though they would rather not have to have it be an issue, they have said that if it is they can handle it. It's during those conversations that the lump in my throat refuses to go down.

After Cameron's Cath he will be admitted for the night, and then the plan is for discharge the next day, where we will then meet his doctors one more time to assess him for heart surgery which is scheduled for the 31st. We are taking 2014 out with a bang! I'm scared. I am so very scared. Even as hard as I try to escape them, the worst thoughts creep into my mind at times at haunt me about Cameron not making it through this. There is no medical reason this should be the case. The doctors have assured me this is not a difficult repair and that they are confident in this surgery. He has had this surgery before and done amazing. So it can't happen a second time, right? Everything can't go as well as it did the first time, can it? These are the fears that keep reminding me of how weak I am. These are the fears that haunt me everyday. I went into this blind the first time. I had not experienced handing my child over for heart surgery before and the things that happened after were all new and uncharted territory. I've been there now. I know what's supposed to happen. I'm more aware of all the things that can go wrong, and I'm literally paralyzed with fear. I am trying so very hard to find bravery. I pray. I read a daily devotional. I seek out bible verses and quotes that encourage me. I'm really trying to be brave. But you see, Cameron..... he's brave. He is so very, very, brave. He is the one that will be going through all of this. He is the one that will be operated on, and he is the one that will be healing and dealing with the aftermath of surgery. I have the most brave person right in front of me every single day, and yet I can't seem to find it anywhere.

God is with me. My heart knows this. I just continue to loose sight when those bad thoughts creep in. I'm so thankful for others that are able to pray without so much fear. I know they are reaching heaven for me right now, and I couldn't be more grateful. We will get through this because of your prayers and love and support. Cam will get through this. I am so ready. I am so ready for this to be over. I need it to be over. Not only for my own sanity, but for my families. I feel like nothing can be planned or talked about until we are over this hurdle, and that isn't anyway to live. But it's where I am right now, and so this part of our journey couldn't come fast enough!

Cameron is happy. He is so fun, and so unaware. We have told them we are going to Boston for Christmas to see Uncle Crosby and Uncle Mike. It's not a lie. We will be spending Christmas together. It's hard to look at my child and know that as soon as we enter those doors of the hospital he will know why we are there and he will be afraid. That's the one thing I hate about this the most. He is so afraid of medical settings now. He does ok at the doctor, but that has taken a year to improve on, and to allow the doctors to listen to him and to check his ears without completely loosing it. I don't blame him. I am afraid of the doctor now too, and I am only a bystander in this situation. But for now, he is happy.

Thank you so much for your love and prayers and support. We are still incredibly humbled and amazed by each and everyone of you that have supported us in whatever way during this. We have the best friends in the entire world. Because of your generosity we don't have to worry about financially getting the boys Christmas presents, and we have a little less stress on the financial burdens of this trip. We are truly blessed. We hope you all know how much you mean to us and how much we love you!

I will try to update as much as I can in the coming week. We desire and covet your prayers always!
Love,
P,J,C, and M