Anxiety is the pitts!!

Well folks its getting close. In four days we will pack up, and head north! The trip is about 12 hours if we drove non-stop, so realistically its about 24 hours...hahah! Our plan is to leave Monday late morning and drive about 7-8 hours then stop and get a hotel. The next day we will finish the rest of our drive, and hope to be in Boston around 4. Paul has promised me that we can drive through NYC.... its really sad when you get excited about just "driving" through somewhere! Haha. I have never been to New York City. I've always wanted to. Just never got around to it, I guess. One day! But driving through it will tide me over until I can get there for real one day :)

The 24th, Christmas Eve, is when we have all of Cameron's Pre-Op appointments. We have to be at the hospital by 6:30 and then the slew of tests that will upset Cameron to his core will begin. He is scheduled for blood work, x-ray, EKG, and Echo. During this time we will also meet with a multitude of people from the residents and nurses, to the anesthesia people and the cardiologist. We will see Cam's heart surgeon, where he will go over what he is about to do to my sweet, sweet, baby, and where I will loose it! It's a tough day. But at the end of it, we will leave and go back to the place we are staying(and thanks to an incredible friend, it will be a lovely home with a place for the boys to play and for us to rest a bit) and we will spend Christmas and the weekend after loving and enjoying our precious boys.

The plan then proceeds to the 29th. This is also my wedding anniversary. 7 years. I'm still in love. I'm still grateful, and during times like this I need my husband more than ever. You see he is the practice one. The one that stays calm in the midst of a storm. The one that assures me that I'm overreacting. The one that stays strong and doesn't loose it, when I have lost it over and over! 7 years down and one Cardiac Cath will happen on the 29th. This Cath procedure is to hopefully ablate the area in Cameron's heart that causes him to go into the SVT rhythm. If the SVT is in a safe area, and can be easily dealt with, then they will ablate it. If it isn't, then they have said they will just leave it alone and manage his SVT post operatively. Then later on down the road if he still has issues they will reassess then. They have assured me that they deal with SVT all the time after open heart surgery, and that even though they would rather not have to have it be an issue, they have said that if it is they can handle it. It's during those conversations that the lump in my throat refuses to go down.

After Cameron's Cath he will be admitted for the night, and then the plan is for discharge the next day, where we will then meet his doctors one more time to assess him for heart surgery which is scheduled for the 31st. We are taking 2014 out with a bang! I'm scared. I am so very scared. Even as hard as I try to escape them, the worst thoughts creep into my mind at times at haunt me about Cameron not making it through this. There is no medical reason this should be the case. The doctors have assured me this is not a difficult repair and that they are confident in this surgery. He has had this surgery before and done amazing. So it can't happen a second time, right? Everything can't go as well as it did the first time, can it? These are the fears that keep reminding me of how weak I am. These are the fears that haunt me everyday. I went into this blind the first time. I had not experienced handing my child over for heart surgery before and the things that happened after were all new and uncharted territory. I've been there now. I know what's supposed to happen. I'm more aware of all the things that can go wrong, and I'm literally paralyzed with fear. I am trying so very hard to find bravery. I pray. I read a daily devotional. I seek out bible verses and quotes that encourage me. I'm really trying to be brave. But you see, Cameron..... he's brave. He is so very, very, brave. He is the one that will be going through all of this. He is the one that will be operated on, and he is the one that will be healing and dealing with the aftermath of surgery. I have the most brave person right in front of me every single day, and yet I can't seem to find it anywhere.

God is with me. My heart knows this. I just continue to loose sight when those bad thoughts creep in. I'm so thankful for others that are able to pray without so much fear. I know they are reaching heaven for me right now, and I couldn't be more grateful. We will get through this because of your prayers and love and support. Cam will get through this. I am so ready. I am so ready for this to be over. I need it to be over. Not only for my own sanity, but for my families. I feel like nothing can be planned or talked about until we are over this hurdle, and that isn't anyway to live. But it's where I am right now, and so this part of our journey couldn't come fast enough!

Cameron is happy. He is so fun, and so unaware. We have told them we are going to Boston for Christmas to see Uncle Crosby and Uncle Mike. It's not a lie. We will be spending Christmas together. It's hard to look at my child and know that as soon as we enter those doors of the hospital he will know why we are there and he will be afraid. That's the one thing I hate about this the most. He is so afraid of medical settings now. He does ok at the doctor, but that has taken a year to improve on, and to allow the doctors to listen to him and to check his ears without completely loosing it. I don't blame him. I am afraid of the doctor now too, and I am only a bystander in this situation. But for now, he is happy.

Thank you so much for your love and prayers and support. We are still incredibly humbled and amazed by each and everyone of you that have supported us in whatever way during this. We have the best friends in the entire world. Because of your generosity we don't have to worry about financially getting the boys Christmas presents, and we have a little less stress on the financial burdens of this trip. We are truly blessed. We hope you all know how much you mean to us and how much we love you!

I will try to update as much as I can in the coming week. We desire and covet your prayers always!
Love,
P,J,C, and M

And its Christmas in Boston!

We knew this would be very probable, and now its very real. Surgery has been rescheduled and we will officially be in Boston for Christmas. Pre-op for his heart Cath will be Wednesday December 24th, and then his cath will be the following Monday, December 29th. He will recover the 30th, and then the 31st will have his surgery. We are knocking out 2014 with a bang! It's funny, because while talking with the scheduler she was so hesitant with the dates. It was almost like in telling me the dates she was also saying "I'm so sorry" at the same time. She and I have talked multiple times before, she is wonderful and funny! Her northern accent cracks me up when she says certain words, and she says that my southern accent makes her want to visit Tennessee! When I remind her I live in NC, she always says "oh I didn't realize people had such accents from there!" Honestly, I have no idea what she is talking about. I know that on occasion I may sound a bit "country" but I in no way have a "typical" southern accent. I really have no accent at all. I'm boring! But it's fun conversation non the less! This time though, she seemed so bummed that we would be spending the holiday away from family and friends, and I am too, but it's ok!

I've had a lot of time since learning about Cam needing this surgery, that I've been able to really come to terms with my life.... his life. You see it doesn't belong to me. Cameron belongs to Jesus. I just get to love him and help him grow, and learn, and I get the sheer joy of being his mother. I'm jealous really. I want to be in control, I want to call all the shots. I want to say when things need to happen. I need that control. But it's not mine to have. It's the Lords! He is ultimate power, and he is the one calling the shots. It can be frustrating. I can't see this entity face to face to tell him how incredibly selfish I think he is for putting my sweet boy through this. I can't physically touch him, in order to inflict pain(which I know would make me feel better, even if just for a brief moment), and I can't audibly have a conversation where I hear him like you would hear a friend. Those things make Faith so hard sometimes. But isn't that the exact point of  FAITH? Knowing 100% that something is there without being able to hear, see or feel it? I guess that's why my faith struggles. I guess that's why I fail time and time again. I guess that's why it's easier to loose your faith. But even in all of that struggle there is beauty. I have HOPE for the future. I have the promise of God that he will not abandon us, even if we falter. He promises to prosper my sweet Cam, and not to harm him. He promises that if I trust and lean on him that he will in return be gracious and good. You see he loves Cameron more than I could ever imagine loving someone. I wouldn't know how that would look, because honestly my love for my children runs so deep that it's impossible imagining someone else loving them more, but he does. I know this! My head knows this! My heart lags behind sometimes.

Christmas is not where you are or what you are able to do, or who you are with. Christmas is a celebration of the one who created life. Christmas is the birthday of all birthdays, and the reason we should love and care for one another. But I would be lying if I said that part of the excitement of Christmas wasn't spending time with loved ones. If I said it wasn't at all about presents, and food, and celebration. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad that we will be missing those things this year. It's hard being away for the holidays, it makes the celebrations up until that time hard as well. We won't be able to go to holiday parties with our kids, because we have to stay well! We won't be able to expose the boys to the mall Santa because if there is one place to catch a cold it would be on that jolly old mans lap! I am sad for those things. But at the same time I'm grateful. It's a bag of mixed emotions in my head constantly. I'm so grateful that Cam's surgery was able to be rescheduled in a timely manner, and that the folks involved in his care are so kind and compassionate. I'm grateful that Christmas won't actually be in the hospital. Sure we will be in a place other than home, but we will be together, and we will be safe, and warm, and we will have food to eat and a place to eat it. We are blessed.

I have to say my feelings out loud over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that God is good and loving and pure. I have to constantly remind myself that this is just a place in time, and that life will be ok. I have to talk myself down from crying over these things I can't control, sometimes daily. I am always reminding myself of our blessings and the wonderful love we have been shown through this. I have seen God show up in so many ways and I am truly, truly thankful for that. But it doesn't come without bad days. Days where I doubt it all. Days where I feel like I've been abandoned and that no one could possible know how I feel. Days that I don't care anymore. It's a process. One that I'm not sure will ever truly end. You see this won't be the last surgery for Cam. It won't be the last trial. It won't even be the last hurdle I face that isn't even related to Cameron and this journey. I have found its so easy to be thankful to God during the good times, and sometimes so hard during the rough ones!

Friends and Family.... you have been wonderful. The love continues to surround us, and we are so thankful. Right now if you could specifically pray for us about housing during our trip to Boston that would be wonderful. As of right now they have no room at the Yawkey House(similar to RMH, but it has a fee) and the cheapest hotel is around $250 a night. I am still trying to explore options, but seeing as how most of our need will be Christmas and the weekend after, it's pretty limited as far as housing goes! Thank you again for all your love and support. We wouldn't be able to do this without you!

Love,
P, J, C, and M